MORE LIES

(1) But how do you even know I'm REALLY thinking your reaction is fair or that I understand? I could just as easily be lying to you now!(2)

(2) I'm not.

As I said before, my job is to lie. And I’m sure this made a few readers a little uneasy. In fairness, I understand that reaction.(1) We’re told from the moment we’re old enough to understand, lying is bad. So, to illustrate why you want my kinda of lying, I decided to take a story you probably know and strip away all the lies.

 

The Totally Honest, Lie-free Version Of The Princess And The Pea

Once upon a time, in a far away land (that really doesn't exisit but serves as a convenient plot construct to hang a story on) there lived a Prince. His mother, the Queen, was a serious control freak (sure, she said it was just because she cared, and the Prince should consider himself lucky to have someone who loved him as much as she did, but everyone knew she had some serious issues… I mean, as a young Princess herself, she had been locked away in a tower resulting in a serious lack of a suitable hair-care regime… that kinda thing is gonna mess-up anyone!) and insisted he marry only someone of his own social standing. That the Prince went along with this, clearly suggests there were some “Mommy Issues” on the Prince's part as well… frankly the help of a good, licensed family therapist would have been a major bonus.

(3) Because as long as you can still say to yourself, "Well, at least I'm not Paris Hilton." things aren't that bad.

(4) There was also one Tabloid story claiming the Prince was secretly gay; and a second stating the Prince was actually already married to an Alien who had born him a love-child with three heads… most ridiculous of all claimed the Prince was actually a Frog.

(5) Don’t ask me…. They threw off the yoke of a monarch 200 plus years ago and they still get all “SQUEEEEE!” about the whole UK Royalty thing.

When the Prince was old enough to marry, he became the focus of the Press. Sure, there were foreign wars, famines in far away nations, dragon infestations, and the tolls trolls under bridges were levying this year… but who wants to read that? …all that stuff is real life, and people deal with that all the time, it's much more fun to look at the newspaper over the lip of your mug of morning coffee and think to yourself, "Yeah, sure I have no money, and that potato in the closet is gonna have to feed my entire family for the next three days, but at least I'm not rich and famous. Those people are messed-up!"(3)

And so, there was a great deal of speculation across the land about who the Prince would marry… and by that, I mean no one really cared but the Press said there was.(4) There was however, a lot of genuine interest in the Press from America about WHO the prince would marry(5).

One dark and stormy night (because again, even in delightfully temperate climes, events of this nature always take place on such nights… it's another one of those convenient plot devices that set an ominous mood… truth be told, it was a clear night with a chance of a frost if the temperature dropped low enough) there was a knocking at the Palace Gates.

BOOM!  BOOM!  BOOM!

The Guards rushed to the door and found a wet, shivering and bedraggled young woman at the gate.

(6) No one actually knows what the Spleen does…. even doctors are completely bemused by this organ.

Clearly the Royal Palace was no place for such a dirty and suspicious-looking woman, so the guards pepper-sprayed her, then when she collapsed, coughing, gasping and blinded…. and clearly NOT moving on…. they beat her with batons until her spleen(6) burst.

The following morning, the Press ran stories about Lindsey Lohan. 

The End

See?

Isn’t it better when people who do what I do lie?

And I know what you're thinking. "Sure, we had a Princess in that story, but what of the pea?"

So…

The Totally Honest, Lie-free Version Of The Princess And The Pea: The Pea Bit

Surprisingly, given what passed for medicine in those times, the Princess survived. She was found by a lowly Weaver who nursed her back to health. Of course, being the kind of person who counts themselves lucky they are not a Kardashian, the Weaver worked for a living and the Princess had to earn her keep.

A little known fact about the dying of things made by a weaver is that the best way to fix the colors is to soak the newly dyed material in urine. And the Princess was the new source there of.

And here we find the biggest lie of all, because the real title of the story should have been "THE PRINCESS AND THE PEE."

The End… Really this time.

And if you wanna get some perspective on comics from the artist's side of the table, go check out the new bloggage by m'colleague over at CourtneyHuddleston.com

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  1. Hopefully There’s An Open Bar | Cemetery Street webcomic - pingback on March 12, 2012 at 4:03 am
  2. The Quiet Before The Storm? | Cemetery Street webcomic - pingback on March 14, 2012 at 4:13 am
  3. Ah, and now we know the real story!  Thank you, Dale, for making sure that the real story is known to the world!  For this great act of humanity, you shall be given a grand reward – a cookie! You can choose the flavour you want, all part of your gift for your great service to humanity!

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